I’ve was trying to find an angle through which to talk about Taylor Swift’s new romance1 that wasn’t just a long list of insults to Matty2 Healy’s hygiene3 when Azealia Banks, of all people, came through for me:
I don’t usually fuck with Azealia Banks, mostly because she seems a little awful, somewhat because she also doesn’t seem particularly well, but she occupies a pretty fascinating place in the celebrity ecosystem wherein she has both a platform and zero fucks. Who’s going to destroy Yung Rapunzel’s career more effectively than she has? 212 was the biggest banger of the 21st century and then…nothing but mess. But when you’re still getting booked for festivals after you’ve admitted to sacrificing chickens in your apartment? You fear nothing and no one.
Meanwhile, mainstream culture looked on in horror as Taylor, avatar of the triumph of capitalism and modern white womanhood, started making cow eyes at sentient loogie Matty4 Healey. All those teen girls in sparkly dresses in row six thousand and three at the Eras tour were thinking, “this guy is gonna give you scabies,” but Azealia was the only one with the tits of steel to say it.
In this act of public defiance and mockery towards American royalty, Banks establishes herself as a post-modern court jester: speaking truth to power from her cultural position as The Fool.
Whew. Sorry. Dropped into academic-speak there for a second.5 Anyway, I made the court jester comparison in the group chat and Nomes was like, Funny you should say that:
Y’all. Are the Swifties going to murder him?
Anyway, this is why you should get banging skeevy people out of your system when you’re 19; it’s ten-thousand times more embarrassing for both you and anyone who has to witness it when you’re 33. Some of those people might think it’s worth offing the skeeze to not have to see it anymore, IDK.
And as a final note on Azealia’s third paragraph: James Mercer, of The Shins and Broken Bells, is, in fact, a wonderful lyricist and musician. He has also been married since 2006 and would probably like to be excluded from this narrative.
Ew.
Double ew.
He needs to be autoclaved.
34! Years! Old! Still! Goes! By! MATTY!
If any of you want to make that argument for real, tho: feel free to steal it.